Page 32 - MidWeek - Nov 24, 2021

32 MIDWEEK NOVEMBER 24, 2021
Do men even read online dating pro- files? Mine says I’m a “sober divorced writer.” Inevitably, guys message me: “What do you do? Ever been married? Wanna go for a drink?” Um, hello? I’ m flattered I apparently get picked on looks alone, but even men who aren’ t into hookups do this. – Mystified
There’s a case to be made for a guy being a rushed or generally careless reader and sliding right past “sober divorced writer.” However, men are likely to blow past an even more standout de- scription, such as: “I enjoy fine dining, walks on the beach, and dismembering my date and feeding bits of him to the squirrels.”
Though men seem more likely to hit on hot wom- en based on their pictures alone, they probably do this even when women are, shall we say, lukewarm or even room temperature. Because birth control used to be “Cross your legs, honey!” women evolved to be “the choosier sex,” wary about getting it on with a man until they vet him for his willingness and ability to “provide” for any resulting kids. Because men don’t get pregnant, it’s evolutionarily optimal for them — best for passing on Ye Old Genes — to have vastly lower stan- dards. (Vastly. Like: “So ... she has a pulse?”)
This sex difference makes a strong showing on dating apps. Compu- tational social scientist Taha Yasseri, with three
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon
Might As Well Face It: You’ve Got Junk Male
students, analyzed piles of data from online dating studies. “Men are much less selective in who they communicate with,” they report. In fact, it’s “op- timal for men to use the ‘shotgun method’”: blast- ing out “likes” like buck- shot from some backwoods Cletus’ hunting rifle. The strategy is not finding a really great match (true love with a woman much likethem—oramanif they’ re gay) but messaging “a large number of people, irrespective of their poten- tially low fit” and hoping some of them bite.
Basically, many men on dating apps are like 2-year- olds. They only look at the pictures. Take it super slowly with any guy you meet via app, meaning keep him on secret proba- tion until you see ample ev- idence you might be well- matched (and that “Conor” is not long for “Con”). If you’ re awakened one lazy Saturday morning by the man in your bed, the part of your body he’s most interested in should not be your thumb — which he got a little clumsy with while trying to unlock your banking app.
I thought I was happily married. Recently, I found a cherry Chapstick in my husband’s coat pocket — a kind he’d never buy. He claimed he randomly grabbed it at the drug- store checkout. Last week, he said he’d be visiting his mother at the nursing home, but I later learned he never showed. I asked
him about it, and he said work ran over. Additional- ly, our sex life has picked up, and he’s been extra thoughtful lately. Doesn’ t all of this, put together, scream that he’s cheating? How do I confront him? – Nightmares
You don’t expect marry- ing the man of your dreams to turn your actual dream content into all-night noti- fications of impending di- saster: dozens of inch-high coal miners in tiny hardhats and goggles scaling you and repeatedly jabbing you with cupcake toothpicks topped with little red flags.
Are you right to pile these infobits into the verdict your husband’s cheating? Maybe — but maybe not. Evolu- tionary psychologist Martie Haselton explains that we evolved to be protectively wrong: to err on the safe side, meaning make the least evolutionarily costly error. Suspecting cheating where none actually exists is less genetically costly than shrugging off signs that seem to point to it — and then possibly losing your man and/or having him fun- nel his resources away from your kids to those he’ d make with some hussypants he’s seeing on the side.
Confronting your hus- band — accusing him of cheating — is a risky tactic. If he is cheating, he’s likely to deny it. If he isn’t, your accusation could destroy your relationship. A possi- bly less risky tactic is evok- ing his empathy: telling him that, collectively, these info- bits triggered fears of losing him. The subject becomes your seeking reassurance (which, P.S., may or may not be truth-backed). If he has been straying, he might be inspired to reevaluate and stop. Might.
which suggests he loves you and is faithful. Your observations are likely to be inconclusive (compared with finding him in bed with somebody), but if you amass enough information over time, it should begin to point you to some sort of understanding.
Over the next few months, observe your husband’s behavior, including that
I personally make peace with the freakouts of life that way; for example, a new mole that (apologies to Judy Blume) seemed to scream: “Are You There, Alkon? It’s Me, Malignant Melanoma.” One dermatologist visit lat- er: “Hello, drama queen. I’ d like to introduce you to your spider bite.”
A Mid to High-end Architectural Design Firm Specializing in:
• Permitting & Third Party Review Services
• Architectural Design & Planning
• Custom Home Design
Architect Jimmy Wu offers practical
tips and advice
for building your own home.
PROWORKPACIFIC.COM (808) 304-8871
100 N. Beretania St., Ste 114 Honolulu, HI 96817
MAHALO & WELL WISHES
Hawaii owned for over
65years
“We’re proud to support clients a
the
one-stop shop for shipping, storage & delivery services.”
as t
got shipping?
Buying online and the shipper doesn’t ship to Hawaii?
Call us for a quote to handle your shipping needs
SHIPPING • BUSINESS STORAGE • DELIVERY
2280 Alahao Place (808) 847-3015 Honolulu, HI 96819 info@mfs-hawaii.com
mercantilefreightservice.com