Page 36 - MidWeek - Nov 10, 2021

36 MIDWEEK NOVEMBER 10, 2021
L ately, women’s mag- azines keep mention- ing “sociopaths.” What is a sociopath? From what I’ ve read, it seems like both my exes were so- ciopaths. How do I avoid attracting others? – Wary
Woman
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon
When Mr. McDreamy Turns Into A Sociopath
Whenaguyasksyouona date, it would be great if you could check him out on Linke- dIn and be all, “Oh, look ... en- dorsements for embezzlement, insurance fraud and identity theft!”
In short, sociopathy is “fire,” and psychopathy is “ice.” Psychopaths — the icy ones — are coldly calculating manipulators who fake caring about others but are incapable of forming any emotional at- tachments. (Think lurking plotters lying in wait.) So- ciopaths are the fiery ones: impulsive, hot-headed and boastful; easily enraged — even to the point of violent outbursts — making them more likely to end up in the slammer. Sociopaths some- times form one-on-one emo- tional attachments, but these are typically pretty toxic.
The actual problem here is not the apparent shift in the guy’s priorities but how they now differ sharply from yours — leading to an imbalance in what you put into the friend- ship versus what you’re getting out of it.
There are friends who — upon getting your faint, stat- icky phone call for help from the Alaskan tundra — will drop everything, hop five planes, rent a team of sled dogs and come rescue you. Then there are friends who will get on with dropping their pants on some chick’s floor, telling themselves you’ ll probably get through to somebody else before your phone dies and you follow its lead. (“Testes before besties!”)
Set aside everything you’ve read about sociopaths, much of which is probably wrong. So- ciopathy and its nasty sibling, psychopathy, are manifesta- tions of “antisocial personality disorder”: a relentless pattern of exploitative behavior in- volving a disregard for the rights of others and a lack of
He isn’t wrong to have more mating-focused priori- ties. However, you might de- cide it’s too painful to remain friends with him. Telling him how you feel might inspire him to change his behavior (or hide itbetter)—mybet...forafew days or a week. Another option would be to make peace with
guilt upon violating them. However, sociopathy and psy- chopathy differ in meaningful ways, though they are often written about as if they are in- terchangeable — in the media and (ugh!) even by researchers.
sociopaths, but because they’re impulsive, explosive and brag- gy, they can only hide their true nature for so long. You can be speedier at ejecting them from your life if you aren’t too quick to be “all in.” When you start dating someone, take a wait- and-see approach — over, say, three or even six months — and pay special attention to his behavior when he seems un- aware he’s being observed. See whether a guy actually is your Mr. McDreamy, rather than sliding into the temptation to simply believe that — making yourself prone to ignore behav- ior that suggests he has a big scoop of hummus where his conscience is supposed to be.
I’m a 22-year-old woman. I’m bothered by my best guy friend’s shift in priorities. We talked about meeting up, and when I asked about his schedule, he said it depends on the schedules of wom- en he’s meeting for dates. I found this really rude, espe- cially because I always have the decency to prioritize my friends over any random ro- mantic prospect. – Angry
Apparently, the lyrics of the Carole King classic, You’ ve Got a Friend, should’ ve in- cluded disclaimers through- out; for example: “You just call out my name, And you know, wherever I am, I’ll come run-
ning” (“though there may be a several-day wait if there’s a really good chance for sex”).
the sort of friend he’s able to be — which could be a tem- porary thing while he’s on the hunt — and spend more time with friends who share your priorities.
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