Page 25 - MidWeek - June 16, 2021

JUNE 16, 2021 MIDWEEK 25
Ibroke up with a guy I dated very briefly and said it’d be best for me if we didn’t maintain con- tact. He respected this for a while, but he’s suddenly all over my social media, not just “liking” but often “lov- ing” my posts. I hate being led to think about him. Is there a kind way to ask him to stop? – Creeped Out
THE SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS Amy Alkon Creepy Ex Orbits Her World
media as much as possible.” If contact escalates, shore up security in your home with locks, motion sensor lights, and video surveillance; doc- ument all contact; and notify the police.
Blocking without expla- nation might seem unkind and perhaps a little paranoid. However, Buss explains that, “stalkers often construe any interaction” with the person they’re pursuing “as reward- ing,” even if it’s negative. “Reasoning and logic rarely work. They give the stalker hope that the romantic rela- tionship can be renewed.” And this could lead to situ- ations you’ d surely like to avoid. As the romantic cli- ché goes, “You’ll find love when you’ re not looking for it” — like when it breaks in and stands over your bed, watching you sleep.
Sometimes a person fails to grasp that “It’s best we don’t maintain contact” means “Go away forever, human stain.”
Understanding, as Buss ex- plains, that a “key goal” of ro- mantic stalkers is to “reunite with the (former) partner” sheds light on your situation. You might be tempted to minimize the guy’s behav- ior because it’s happening in the virtual world. However, stalkers aren’t just exes hid- ing in your bushes with bin- oculars. It’s stalking just the same when somebody’s sit- ting in the bushes on social
Sure, you could politely but firmly tell him to stop — “I’ d prefer that you not post anything on my social media” — and explain why you need this. However, Buss writes that one of the strategies stalking experts most frequently recommend is “ceasing all contact with the stalker.” Because you’ re being cyber-stalked, the ide- al way to do this is blocking him on all your social media. Say nothing. Just block. Buss also advises you consider tak- ing your accounts private for a while or “staying off social
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You’re being “orbited,” culture reporter Anna Io- vine’s word for when an ex lurks on your social media posts: showing up as one of your “story viewers” on Ins- tagram or liking your tweets or Facebook posts. This sounds benign, but orbiting is a form of stalking.
Noncriminal stalking like this can escalate to the crim- inal kind — and can turn deadly, reports evolutionary psychologist David Buss in his new book, When Men Behave Badly: The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault. Though stalkers are usually male, Buss acknowledges that women become stalk- ers, too.
media, watching your life and signaling their unwillingness to accept your “no contact” terms by posting “likes” they know you’ll see. The mes- sage: “Here I am, refusing to leave you, but in a way you’ d probably feel dumb complaining about!”
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