Finding Ways To Live In Peace

Can’t we all just get along? While Islanders subscribe to the philosophy of “cool head main t’ing,” it’s not always the way we act when conflicts occur. Being individuals with divergent opinions, we can be “hard head” in our home, business and community dealings.

And we are the ultimate non-verbal communicators. We simply give the stink eye when we disapprove.

But that might not be enough when people have major pilikia (trouble). Resolving disputes can involve lawyers, court action, plus untold amounts of time and money.

Yet, each of us has the innate ability to be a peacemaker.

Knowing this, the Rotary Club of Honolulu coaches its members on peacemaking skills, and this month will launch a community-wide program to reach families and students. The club is observing Peace Month in March with a weekly series of expert speakers and a one-day anti-bullying workshop for kids and parents.

Speakers and topics are: Christina Kemmer, executive vice president of Communications-Pacific, on family and community-building; Jonathan R. Kathrein, co-founder of California-based Future Leaders for Peace; Adrian Bellamy, prominent corporate executive, on conflict-free business management; and Ret. U.S. Army Gen. Frederick C. Weyand, on military might and peace.

Programs at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel each Tuesday are open to guests.

Peace Month culminates with a full-day workshop on March 18 at Oahu Country Club for students, teachers and parents. More than 100 participants from Windward district schools are expected.

Fourth-, fifth- and sixth-graders will spend the morning learning new approaches to cope with bullying, followed by an afternoon session on effective communications between parents and youths.

Bullying and harassment of students perceived as “different” is a stubborn problem in Hawaii’s public schools, according to a Department of Education task force. There is harassment over ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, mental and physical disabilities, and a range of other traits.

Bullying starts with taunting that escalates to violence. Educators say it’s hard for teens and even adults to know when they have gone too far in teasing someone.

Rotary’s program, which it hopes to extend internationally, is based on the premise that organizations and individuals should try to resolve their differences through effective communications, not through our complex, overburdened court system.

“We’re a litigious society,” says Tracey Wiltgen, co-chair of the Rotary Club’s peacemaking committee. “We’re programmed to think it’s the only way to resolve conflicts and disputes. Everyone wants their day in court.”

As executive director of the Mediation Center of the Pacific, Wiltgen directs a non-profit agency that provides mediation and dispute resolution services to individuals and groups on Oahu. The center also trains volunteers to be effective mediators.

Wiltgen, a Star of the Sea and UH Law School grad, writes and lectures extensively on mediation and other dispute prevention and resolution processes. She is an adjunct professor at UH School of Law and directs mediation-facilitation services for Fortune 500 companies, health-care organizations and the federal government.

Wiltgen and fellow Rotarian Alvin Adams lead the club’s 14-member peacemaker committee, which was started two years ago. The aim is to empower club members with techniques of peacemaking and mediation so that they might serve as models and mentors to others in the community.

Mediation - not to be confused with “meditation” or “medication” - involves a neutral third party who facilitates communications between dissenting parties. The mediator does not make a decision, but rather encourages parties to come up with their own solutions.

Mediators are often confused with arbitrators, who act as both judge and jury in hearing disputes and have the authority to make binding decisions on the parties.

Although mediation is becoming more accepted, it still lags behind the court system because, mediators say, many people are simply not willing to compromise.

A high-profile situation that used mediation was the case of UH President Evan Dobelle. When things got contentious, an outside mediator got involved. University regents settled with Dobelle, reversing their decision to fire him, and cleared him and itself of wrongdoing.

Rotary feels the public lacks knowledge of this option, and through its peacemaking program hopes to increase awareness of mediation.

The Rotarians particularly want to instill peacemaking values and skills in young people, who are the future leaders of our community.

Shylah Flores and Avery Brown, both 11 of Ahuimanu Elementary School, have improved relations, thanks to peacemaker skills learned in class.

Flores says “it’s fun helping little kids.”

Brown no longer gets annoyed at his 6-year-old sister because he knows how to “stop and cool down.”

Mediation skills begin with the ability to listen in an unbiased, indiscriminate way. According to Wiltgen, it should be the first step in resolving a conflict.

This would apply to quarreling neighbors, bickering spouses, employer-employee conflicts, landlord and tenant squabbles, and victim-offender situations.

Mediation is less time-consuming and less antagonistic. It can save clients hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees, she says. There are intangible benefits as well. Mediation saves or repairs relationships.

“Neighbors aren’t that neighborly,” Wiltgen says. “When conflicts occur, people need a forum that’s safe to talk it out.”

Wiltgen and committee members know there are critics who say mediation and peacemaking are “idealistic.”

But the gallant Rotary Club is betting on positive results. Supporters give them an “A” for effort, and a peace sign for luck.

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